Post by Drer'Ahv on Jul 6, 2009 1:32:22 GMT
"First off, let me beg forgiveness if I posted in the wrong forum.
I honestly have no clue where it needs to go, but it does seem vaguely school-related.
Second, I am pleased to present a list two years in the making:
126 Things Adam is No Longer Allowed to Do at American Christian Academy.
A short back story before I begin:
I, being a newborn high school Senior, have spent the past two years in a private Christian school in the heart of Alabama. Being a middle-left cynical agnostic, this made for quite an interesting experience.
This list was originally created as a parody of the infamous Skippy's List, but over time took on a life of its own as I discovered the true capacity of my dear institution to administer rebuke.
Note, none of the following are stolen from the original Skippy's list. All of the following, either I or someone I know has been gotten onto for.
(Including the communism one, which I do believe was an accidental rip off of SL. It actually did happen to me at one point.)
So, without further ado..
1: Not allowed to salute history teacher 1st Lt. Skelton
2: Not allowed to sing "The Beast and the Harlot" during assemblies.
3: Not allowed to torment smaller students during assemblies.
4: May not use leftover chicken bones to build replicas of "the walls of Sparta"
5: Even if it is "for fine arts class"
6: May not initiate Spartan war chants during lunch.
7: Not allowed to feign demonic possession
8: Funny Spanish phrases are not funny.
9: May not use letters past D on four-option multiple-choice quizzes.
9.5 Even if it does look just like what my neighbor put.
10: Jesus did not tell me to do it.
11: Jesus is not the answer to everything on the test.
12: May not tell freshmen that the chemistry teacher is 106 years old.
13: Not allowed to "pop dat' collar" in class.
14: Not allowed to question the computer science teacher.
15: Especially when I'm right.
16: May not refer to 9th graders as "freshmeats"
17: The teacher is never, under any circumstances, wrong.
18: May not heckle other students' answers, grades, punishment, or lifestyle choices.
19: The Bible is not a weapon.
20: Nor is my English textbook.
21: Not allowed to refer to the guidance counselor as "Mr. Rogers"
22: "Do you take pleasure in the color green?" is not a valid interview question.
23: May not attempt to learn through osmosis.
24: May not abbreviate Angle-Side-Side theorem.
25: May not be creative with geometric variables. (Rhombus UKCF)
26: Not allowed to refer to Spanish teacher as "Momma Sox"
27: Not allowed to refer to Spanish teacher as "Señora Calcetines"
28: The human reproductive system is not funny.
29: May not draw amusing characteratures of any faculty member.
30: Reading class is not nap time.
31: History class is not nap time.
32: Students beyond the first grade do not have a nap time.
32.5: May not request a nap time.
33: Will not emulate Gollum whenever the lights are turned on.
34: I am not the teacher.
35: There are no right answers in AP English class.
36: Not allowed to debate the nature or existence of any deity.
37: Not allowed to force class debate on the origin of humanity
38: The headmaster's name is "Dr. Daniel Carden," not "Grandpa Dan"
39: The headmaster's wife's is not "Her highness, Our Overlord Mistress Janie."
40: When setting up the projector, I will not replace the teacher's background image with political messages, opinionated baseball ads, homoerotica, or anything related to penguins.
41: Blank whiteboards are not a forum for my opinion.
42: Other students are not entitled to my opinion.
43: In a conflict between the book answer and my opinion, I am to assume the former is correct.
44: Not allowed to disagree with the Bible on anything. Ever.
45: Not allowed to have long hair.
45.5 Not even if Jesus did.
46: Not allowed to join the Communist Party.
47: I am not living in the end times.
48: Passionately screaming "Take me, Jesus!!" is not funny.
49: May not take random cell phone pictures of other students, claiming they are for "personal use."
50: May not streak during school hours
50.5: Will not allow certain seniors to supplement any written work.
51: May not misquote others for my own amusement.
52: Not allowed to break silence by giggling, without apparent reason.
53: I am not, and never have been, a licensed computer technician.
54: Not allowed to mention phallic symbols in English class.
55: "Because I said so," from a teacher, is a valid reason for anything.
56: Not allowed to use "Because I said so" as a reason for anything
56.5 Particularly in respect to #34.
57: I am not a Rastafarian
58: Not allowed to do that one thing with my hands.
59: Mr. Logan is a handyman, not a mutant.
59.5: Even if he does have "the look."
60: I do not possess "author-ah-tah," and other students are not required to respect it.
61: May not call for the impeachment of any SGA member.
62: The Toyota Passenger Van is not "The Shortbus"
62.5 Even if the Scholar Bowl team does use it.
63: The janitor does not find diet coke and mentos funny.
64: The Bible teacher is "Mr. Allison," not "Optimus Prime"
65: May not use the phrases "Neo-conservative agenda," "Vicodin Land," "Epic Fail," "Billary Clinton," "Shootin' Happy Sips," or "Catholic Priest's Shopping List" at any time, for any reason, ever.
66: If I do not wish to join in Morning Prayer, I am to respectfully bow my head and remain silent.
67: I may not alternatively offer prayers to Our Lady Mithras.
67.1: I may not alternatively offer prayers to the Flying Spaghetti Monster or any other pasta-related deity.
67.2: I may not alternatively offer prayers to any Lovecraftian deity
67.25: Uttering The Prayer of Dead Cthulhu is not funny
68: Parachute pants, band shirts, and gel spikes are not dress code.
69: "My cat ate my homework" is not a valid excuse. (She did.)
70: "Pyramidical" is not a word.
71: My chemistry teacher has full control over the universe and the laws of physics and under no circumstances am I to question this.
72: May not use school equipment to publish gossip magazines.
73: "I don't believe it" is not a valid reason to get out of Bible class.
73.5: It is, however, a valid reason to receive demerits until such time as I do believe it.
74: "No talking in class" includes whispering.
75: "No talking in class" includes other languages.
76: "No talking in class" includes makeshift sign language.
77: "No talking in class" does not apply to the teacher, and I will receive a demerit if I insist otherwise.
78: Not allowed to be a smartass.
79: Not allowed to encourage smartassity in others.
80: Football jerseys do not infer superpowers, and it is wrong to imply otherwise to younger students.
81: The first amendment may or may not apply to me, while on school grounds.
82: May not offer bribes to Student Government offices.
83: May not attempt to corrupt any Student Government office.
84: May not start a coup against current Student Government president.
82: Claudio Sanchez is not my lord and savior.
83: "What would The Crowing do?" is not a morally uplifting catchphrase.
84: The Writing Writer is a fictional character and does not control any aspect of my life.
85: I will not utter the above blasphemy again.
86: May not ask ultraconservative Christian librarians to create AR tests for The Da Vinci Code, The God Delusion, "A Beginner's Guide to Wiccan Rituals," or anything that is vaguely interesting.
87: May not make jokes about Chris H---'s bawls.
87.5: Even if he did make most of the senior class taste them.
88: My name in Spanish class is "Adàn," not "Señor Comedor de Montequilla Frita"
88.5: Nor is it "El Rey de Sin Pantelones"
89: I do not resemble that remark.
90: Our football team's star players' names are "Harrison Pollard" and "Steadman S. Sheely III"; not "Hairy Paul and Stud Muffin."
91: I do not have a "big stinkin' posse".
91.5: The word "posse" is not amusing.
91.75: Nor is the word "Ball-peen"
92: Not allowed to poke the possum.
93: Not allowed to use innuendo that I do not understand.
94: May not be creative with chemical bonds (Cobalt, Carbon, Potassium [K])
95: May not extend a three-minute presentation into a full class period, ever again.
96: "Did it bleed!?" is not a permissible question under any circumstance.
97: I am not a faithful servant of Athe.
98: AP English students are not allowed a break.
99: Not allowed to claim my AP English teacher is sadistic.
100: I am not Dave Mustine.
101: Not allowed to sleep on the desks.
101.5 Particularly during class, and in respect to 32.5
102: May not answer "B or C, either one." for multiple-choice questions.
102.5: Particularly when the answer is A.
103: Not allowed to find the negative reciprocal of the beast (1/-666), or any other inherently evil mathematical function.
104: May not use the school network to pirate music, movies, or extremely expensive professional software suites.
105: Labeling the study sheet for my analysis class exams "Anal. Exm. Probs." is not funny.
106: Penguins do not have legal voting rights.
107: Stick figures do not qualify as Renaissance artwork.
108: Not allowed to protest Spanish class on the grounds that "Demonstrative adjectives are evil!!!"
109: "Ho ho ho!" is not politically incorrect, and I am not allowed to be offended by it.
110: I am not a "pretty girl."
110.5: My history teacher is not a "meanie face."
111: "I'm late getting back from break because my car broke down" is not a valid excuse, when I am not permitted to leave school grounds during break.
112: Screaming a jumble of nonsense at someone, involving occasional threats of death or suicide, and then storming out of the room, is a bad idea.
113: May not attempt to convert other students to Pastafarianiam, or any other sect of the Flying Spaghetti Monster during school hours.
113.5 I have not "been touched by his noodly appendage."
114: May not heckle opposing sports teams in Spanish.
115: May not label any paper "Practice probs. for anal. exm." (Analysis exam)
116: May not "valiantly defend my beliefs" by provoking the entire class into an argument.
117: Not allowed to use my vehicle's horn to alert, communicate with, or argue with others.
117.5: Particularly those who are clear across campus, during school hours.
118: Not allowed to find the panicked reactions of others upon the announcement of a surprise drug screening funny. This is a privilege reserved for teachers and faculty.
119: May not find creative uses for cafeteria mystery sauce.
120: May not refer to the story of Moby Dick by any phallic title.
121: Not allowed to play "Air-Bass"
122: May not refer to the Spanish teacher as "The Spanish Nazi"
122.5 Or "El Furor"
123: May not ever bring, serve, or partake of "happy sips" at any school function.
124: Flatulence is never funny.
124.5: Except when a senior says it's funny.
125: Not allowed to possess gum of a superior quality than that of a senior.
126: The bathroom wall is not an acceptable place to express my feelings toward certain political groups."
This wall of epic has been extracted from the forums of xkcd. Help continue the epic! What things are you no longer allowed to do in school?